


I’m Alive, I’ve Survived, I’ve Made It

by autistic_zombie_boy



Category: One Piece
Genre: Ace’s self worth issues, Author refuses to accept canon and will continue to pretend everything is alright, Dadan is an elder queer and I won’t hear otherwise, Gen, Testosterone shots, Thatch is a good older brother, Trans Portgas D. Ace, but he’s getting better and learning he deserves happiness, implied/reference to past self-harm, implied/reference to past suicide idealization, in depth description of how to inject testosterone, its very vague but I want to tag it jic, self indulgent af, that’s not entirely relevant but I want to put it out there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24724480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autistic_zombie_boy/pseuds/autistic_zombie_boy
Summary: Ace gets his first testosterone shot and realizes how far he’s made it. And again on the one year anniversary he realizes that he’s still alive and he couldn’t be happier at the realization.
Relationships: Dadan & Portgas D. Ace, Portgas D. Ace & Thatch
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	I’m Alive, I’ve Survived, I’ve Made It

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings again jic:  
> Past self harm implied  
> Past suicide idealization implied  
> In depth description of testosterone shots/syringes  
> Past character ‘death’ (it’s Sabo so not really a death but still)  
> Probably inaccurate medical terminology (I wasn’t on puberty blockers and most of my knowledge about htr is from my own experience)
> 
> Now that that’s out of the way!! I hope y’all enjoy!!

Ace never thought this day would come. He never thought he would get this old in the first place-- _sixteen_ , he somehow made it to _sixteen_ despite not being supposed to be born in the first place-- let alone see the day he’d get the right hormones. But here he was, sitting on the edge of the bathtub in Dadan’s personal bathroom in the bandits hideout wearing only a pair of boxers and his binder. Luffy had been locked out of the bathroom as to not be a distraction but Ace could still hear his little brother making a ruckus somewhere in the hideout.

Dadan was looking through the little paper bag they had gotten from the doctor down in Foosha, her seldom used reading glasses perched on her nose as she read the instructions attached. Despite being there when the doctor told Ace how to give himself the shot, she insisted on helping him with the first one so he didn’t mess it up-- or in her words, _‘give himself an infection or break the needle off in his thigh’_ , like he was _that_ reckless…

“Ready brat?” Dadan said, finally looking up from the instruction sheet and Ace could only nod.

He _was_ ready for this but… his heart was racing in his chest, his stomach felt a little queasy, and he felt like he was breaking out in a cold sweat. He was so ready for this. He had dreamed about this day for as long as he had known he was a guy. When he first told Dadan about it she said there would be ways to fix it, help him get more comfortable with his body, stop his periods and… other developments.

So why did he feel so…

Scared? Nervous? Unsure?

Dadan seemed to sense his nervousness and she paused her preparations, setting down the little glass vial of hormones on the countertop along with the syringe she’d use to draw up the right dose. Her face softened to an expression Ace rarely saw, only when he first came out, when he was gravely injured, after Sabo’s death, and when he got his tribute tattoo, did she look at him with kind, sad eyes. Dadan kneeled in front of him and set a gloved hand on his bare knee.

“Ace?” Her gruff, smoky voice was as soft as it could be and he looked up at her with wide eyes, “‘re ya up for this today?”

“Yes!” He answered a little too quickly, a little too loudly, panic ebbing into his tone. For a brief moment he was scared she wouldn’t let him or they’d have to go back to that doctor in Foosha and _talk_ more before he got his shot.

Dadan didn’t look fazed by his outburst, she nodded and gave his knee one last squeeze before standing back up, “Alright brat, if ya say so, just remember ta breath like Dr. Etta taught ya.”

Ace nodded and focused on his breathing-- in, hold, out, hold, in hold, out, hold-- as Dadan drew up the correct dosage. She wordlessly tossed him an alcohol wipe and he picked a spot on his thigh to sterilize, he chose an area without any scars on top of his thigh. He couldn’t remember if scar tissue wasn’t ideal for injections, but it might be easier on clear skin.

“Do ya want ta do it?” Dadan asked, switching out the drawing needle for a thinner injection one, “‘r should I?”

Ace paused at that, biting his bottom lip as he thought it over before holding his hand out.

“I wanna do it.” His voice was steadier now, he was still scared but he wanted to do this. For himself to prove that he could.

Dadan nodded and handed him the syringe. She hadn’t cleared the air bubbles yet, letting Ace do that himself. 

Flicking the side of the syringe, Ace watched the few bubbles gather at the top and he lightly applied pressure to plunger. Slowly the air got pushed out and Ace stopped applying pressure as a droplet of testosterone slid down the needle. 

For a moment Ace just stared at the syringe. Only .25 ml of testosterone filled the barrel, the smallest dose to start with to make sure he could handle it, and the needle was only a 25mm gage but Ace struggled to bring himself to start.

He wasn’t afraid of the needle, his tattoo on his arm proved that, he got in a style mostly unused outside of mountain bandits in the East Blue that was intense and painful, not using a tattoo gun but instead a single needle to drive the ink into his skin, it took hours of painful poking to get it done. And he wasn’t afraid of the pain, his scars and habit of getting into fights proved that.

But he felt like he was having a panic attack regardless.

With a sigh, Ace steeled his nerves and sat up straight. He wiped off his thigh one last time before pressing the needle against his skin. He applied pressure and closed his eyes just as the needle disappeared into his flesh, only opening them when he felt it bottom out.

“Check for blood,” Dadan reminded him, her voice sounded strange through the blood rushing through his ears, and he nodded, drawing the plunger back to make sure he didn’t hit a blood vessel.

When it came out clear Ace let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, relieved he didn’t have to start over. He pressed his thumb against the plunger and watched the liquid empty into his muscle-- it was an odd sensation but it didn’t hurt-- until there was nothing left in the syringe.

He took another moment to pause, with the needle still in his thigh before blindly reaching beside him for a cotton ball. He pressed the cotton ball against the injection sight as he pulled the needle out. 

Dadan wordlessly took the syringe from him and pressed a bandaid into his hand. He could hear the soft clink of her disposing of the needle in the glass container they got just for the used needles, but he didn’t look up. Instead he peeled back the wrapping of the bandaid and put it over his wound. 

His hands were shaking and vaguely he realized he was crying for the first time since Sabo’s death but he couldn’t bring himself to care that he was acting like a crybaby.

His hand came up to cover his mouth as he let out a choked sob. Reality finally catching up to him.

He made it to sixteen. He didn’t die before fifteen like he always assumed. He didn’t kill himself when everything seemed hopeless. He was alive.

He did it.

_He did it._

Ace let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. He couldn’t stop the delirious smile from spreading across his face as tears kept steaming.

Dadan’s hand came down on his shoulder and he looked up at her as she gave it a light squeeze.

She was smiling back at him, her eyes brimming with tears as well.

“Good job brat,” her voice was strained in a familiar way that meant she was moments from bursting into tears herself, the same tone she spoke in when Ace told her how he wanted her to tattoo him, “’m proud of ya.”

If anyone would ask, Ace would deny how happy it made him to hear that- - _she_ was _proud_ of _him_. _Him._ And both of them would deny how they both choked out delirious, happy sobs as they hugged each other until collecting themselves and leaving the bathroom.

But no one would ask.

Luffy would smile wide and excited as he saw his brother, completely ignoring Ace’s red eyes as he enveloped him in a hug and told him how happy he was for Ace. Makino would smile kindly and ask how it went before declaring she was going to make a congratulatory dinner.

And Ace would ignore how Dadan would wipe her eyes when she thought no one was looking as she muttered about having to deal with another brat going through puberty for a year.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Once Ace got on the grand line, time kind of blurred for him, between gather the rest of his crew, the offers to become a Shichibukai-- he was convinced that was his gramps trying to keep an eye on him somehow and he just burned the letters and they stopped trying to contact him after he destroyed a few too many marine bases and a run in with Garp-- finding and thanking Shanks, and finally, finding and-- failing to-- kill Whitebeard. 

The only task on his checklist that he failed to do.

Instead-- after a long and admittedly embarrassing time period-- Ace and his former crew joined them. It was shocking how easily the former Spades assimilated into the Whitebeards’ crew, most of them falling into the second division aside from Deuce joining the med staff and Banshee joining the kitchen crew. Hell, Ace was already getting his tattoo later on in the week, but until then, Izo had made him a binder with Whitebeard’s mark sewn on the back. 

When he finally slowed down, He realized it had only been a week since he had joined the Whitebeards and he paused his writing on some paperwork he agreed to help out with-- they were down a division commander which meant the other commanders had to help with the 2nd divisions paperwork and Ace agreed to help Thatch with it, it was only filling out dates and making sure the logs were in order, he did that as captain of the Spades so he was used to it. Rumor was that they were trying to train him to be the next commander but Ace hadn’t bothered to ask if that was true or not, he’d find out eventually when they announced the new commander whether it be him or someone else.

He had written out the current date twelve times before it sunk in.

June 17th.

“Oh,” Ace muttered to himself when he processed what that meant and he set his pen down.

“What?” Thatch asked, looking up from his own paperwork, “somethin’ wrong?”

Ace shook his head, “No, nothin’s wrong, I just realized what today is.”

“Hmm?” Thatch raised an eyebrow at him, waiting to see if Ace would elaborate or if he’d go back to his paperwork. Ace had a habit of saying things and then failing to elaborate if no one asked for clarification. Not even because he didn’t want to talk about something, he just didn’t realize he probably should explain his thoughts a little more than he did. It made for some funny and unnecessary assumptions.

For a beat, Ace just looked out the portwindow of Thatch’s room before continuing.

“‘M one year on T,” he said, tearing his gaze away front the window to look at Thatch, a small, peaceful smile on his face, “I didn’t realize it’s already been a year…”

Thatch smiled at him, relieved nothing was wrong and more than a little proud of his brother, “A year huh? Damn that’s a milestone…”

Ace nodded, making a mental note to write Dadan soon, he didn’t know what to say but he felt like he should just… write her. Tell her he found a family who loved him despite his blood and he was doing good, he was happy. ~~And also maybe mention he missed her a bit.~~

“Well congrats,” Thatch gave him another smile before turning back to his work, “When we finish up I’ll make you a treat to celebrate, sound good?”

“That sounds great,” Ace looked down at his own paperwork, not able to wipe his smile off his face, “thank you.”

If someone had told Ace ten years ago that one day he would be comfortable in his own body, living with a family that loved him, sailing under a man he called his _Pops_ , and waking up without wondering if he should have never been born, he wouldn’t believe them.

But there he was.

Despite all the shit life through at him. The days he spent alone, wondering if he was strong enough to keep going. His scars had faded, only serving as faint reminders of what he lived through. Of how he keep pushing on when it looked like he couldn’t through sheer stubbornness to Prove the world wrong and holding onto a dream of freedom he shared with his brothers who wouldn’t let him go without a fight.

There might be bad days in the future but Ace knew he could make it through them. Because he was home. He had a family by his side to help him.

Ace did what he used to believe was impossible.

He found out his life was worth living.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was inspired by me hitting one year on T!! I can’t believe it’s been a year and since I can’t do what I originally wanted to to celebrate so I decided to write this to make up for it lmao! And its pride month too!! 
> 
> I’ve really been meaning to write something with Ace and Dadan bonding cause... I’m weak for family stuff and I refuse to believe Dadan doesn’t think of him as her own son and I’m always down to write Thatch being a good big bro,,,,
> 
> Also, I’d like to say that, while the world is kinda... shit right now, I hope everyone is doing well. I know it’s hard but I hope y’all are staying strong. There are brighter days ahead even if it doesn’t seem like it now.
> 
> Anyways, that’s it!! Hope y’all enjoyed and are staying safe!! Till next time!!


End file.
